


A little less alone

by DAVESRIGHTHAND



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Derealization, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Past Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, im really fucking sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:21:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29815236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DAVESRIGHTHAND/pseuds/DAVESRIGHTHAND
Summary: Read the tags because TWIm projecting a lot into this so uh enjoy my mental illnesses.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Gamzee Makara/Karkat Vantas, Jake English/Dirk Strider





	1. be Karkat==>

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags because TW
> 
> Im projecting a lot into this so uh enjoy my mental illnesses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so um heres me projecting into this and uh read the tags for a tw
> 
> Just some background info  
> Gamzee continuously manipulated Karkat while in a relationship and none of his friends cared except for sollux and kanaya until it got really bad.

be Karkat==>

"Karkat nobody wants to hear about your shitty taste in movies." I growl in frustration. I guess i had been ranting about it for a good minute. I always let her go on rants about his favorite things. I wasn't doing to well that night. I really wanted to die. I was also high of my ass. 

"Rose Be Nice." I was a little hurt that Kanaya would let me rant about movies to them. 

"YEAH SOLLUX." I started to feel sad thoughts creeping in. I wanted to get off this call. I needed to make an excuse. They started talking about some new troll band. I wanted to leave. I shouldn't have.

"UH HEY I'M GONNA GO CALL DAVE."

"Thats Fucking Rude." 

"HM?"

"Well We Let You Talk About Your Movies But The Second It's Not About You, You Leave?"

"Yeah Karkat thats pretty fucking rude."

"UH IM SORRY?" We all paused. "LOOK IM JUST GONNA GO." I left the call we were in.I was now alone. I went to the bathroom and turned all the lights low. I opened the cabinet behind the mirror and grabbed the small exacto knife I kept hidden. My lusus didn't know about it because it doesn't bother to search my room for things that could harm me even though it knows about my self harming tendencies. I was a fucking month clean. I ended it by dragging the blade across my pale gray skin. I stopped eating a few days ago so my hands were a little shaking from lack of food and sleep. I still drank a lot of water. I let the blade make continues lines on one part of my thigh. i felt some blood trickle down. The disgusting candy red color that i feared and hated so much. I repeated this a few time then moved to my right thigh. I engraved the words failure and hated into my legs. there was a surprising amount of blood. I must have cut too deep or I must have been getting some effects from lack of sleep or food because my vision went in and out.

"Kk?" I thought I heard that voice ring out. I tried to scream for help. I had no energy too. It had been bad for weeks but not this bad. I hated what i was doing to myself. "KK PLEA2E BE OKAY." I must have passed out because I saw bandages over my thighs and I was lying in bed. I'll have to thank Sollux later. For the next week i cut off most of my friends i still talked to Kanaya though and sometimes Sollux when he asked to talk to me. I went to a therapist though she didn't help. I told my lusus she was helping but she wasn't. It seemed that every time I talked to it I lied to it. I was just tired. I wanted everything to just disappear.

[Karkat] Get pestered by Dave==>


	2. [Karkat] Get pestered by Dave==>

[Karkat] get pestered by Dave==>

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TG: Yo wtf did I do to you

CG: WHAT?

TG: You ignored me for like an entire week

CG: I JUST WENT OFFLINE THATS ALL.

TG: Why

CG: IT DOESN'T MATTER LEAVE ME ALONE.

TG: nah how about you tell me whats wrong

CG: NOTHING IS FUCKING WRONG.

TG: Karkles you wouldn't just go offline for a month without something being wrong.

CG: DAVE STOP PRYING INTO MY LIFE.

TG: dude

TG: Im just worried 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] went offline--

TG: fuck you i'm coming over

Gog fucking dammit what a nook biter. To be honest Im glad he is continuously caring about me. He can't know that though. Why didn't I just tell him. Tell him all about how lonely I feel. How I contemplate self harm everyday. How none of my friends even noticed what was happening to me except Kanaya. Nobody noticed when Gamzee manipulated me and drove me completely insane. I wish I told him how Kanaya stopped me from killing myself every night. About how I've undergone so many versions of self harm. I always feel alone. Eridan has been pulling to much bullshit on me to handle right now. I cant stop thinking about harming myself and others. I feel so alone all the time. I hate that I miss Gamzee sometimes.

I hear a knock on the door. No way in hell am i answering it. You get a buzz on your laptop and see thats its the fucking man of the hour.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

CG: DAVE WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE.

TG: because Im worried for you

CG: WELL THAN STOP.

TG: Im telling Sollux to open the door.

CG: DAVE. LEAVE.

\--turntechGodhead [TG] is offline--

CG: DAVE I SWEAR TO GOG!

CG: DAVE LEAVE

I hear Sollux run to open the door. Sollux is the only other troll to know what happened to me. Not because I limited the people I told but because he was the only other one that would listen. They only listened when Sollux and Kanaya tried to let the other trolls know though a lot of them just expected it to happen. They didn't care. Nobody did.

"Kk Dave ii2 here." I heard him say from outside my door. I couldn't respond. I didn't have the energy too. I didn't have the energy for much these days. The only thing I could manage was talking to Kanaya and Sollux. Now Im being forced to talk to Dave. "Kk plea2e talk to Dave. iim 2ure he really mii22es you!" I dont reply I stay silent. Everything around me felt fake. I could probably wake up from this bad dream if I killed myself.

"Hey whore." This fucking asshole. I didn't reply. "Ignore me I guess." He closed my laptop, moved it aside, and sat down right in front of me. He stared at me. Could he see the tear stains?

"WHAT" I managed to mutter. He then proceeded to fucking attack me. Not really though, he pulled me into a tight squeeze. He ended laying down with me on top just embracing me. I for once felt less alone. "WHY?"

"hm? Why what?"

"WHY DO YOU CARE" I could hear my self breaking up. 

"I knew something was wrong. Please tell me. Im worried about you."

"DAVE YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND." I was definitely about to cry.

"I just might if you told me whats wrong." I was silent."Would it help if i talked about some traumatizing shit that has happened to me?" I just nodded "Okay well it's a long story so get comfy." I just snuggled up closer to him. He felt warm like a fresh breakfast delicacy in the morning after a long cold sleep. It felt like he was helping take my first step out of this hell hole i was in. 

[Dave] spill out your trauma to Karkat==>


	3. [Dave] spill out your trauma to Karkat==>

[Dave] spill out your trauma to Karkat==>

"Oh god where do I even start." I took a breath in. I was really about to tell somebody this. I guess it's good to it out and let it go. "I lived with my Bro and Dirk. Bro left us a few years ago because Dirks boyfriend moved in and he 'couldn't handle the gay'. When he was around I was always scared and alone." I took in a sharp breath. "He would go days without providing food and only buying alcohol for himself. Maybe a chip bag if i was lucky. I felt Alone because all my friends would complain about how their parent/guardian were so annoying when they were over protective. All I will ever want is somebody who loves me and who cares for my mental health. Dirk pretty much is with his boyfriend and doesn't care." I felt my eyes starting to burn with memories coming back. "I was called weak. His gross puppets were everywhere. He would just appear and slam me against the wall. He reeked of alcohol and brought home prostitutes." I stuttered with my speech a little. Remembering it hurt I didn't want to remember it anymore.

"DAVEI I-IM SO SORRY. YOU DONT DESERVE ANY OF THAT. EVEN IF YOU ARE A LITTLE SHIT FUCKER YOU'RE STILL PERFECT IN EVERY WAY" I laughed at him when he said this. I wish i was. My god damn eyes aren't. Those are ugly as fuck. I wonder if Karkat would still except me for me if I showed him. Probably not. Oh well it seems to be that way with everyone. I haven't even shown egbert my eyes.

"I want to be perfect. I wish I was the cool guy that everyone thinks I am." Wait no I cant tell him or show him.

"STRIDER YOU ARE PERFECT JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT DOES NOT MEAN YOUR NOT PERFECT." Thank god he played that off. I wouldn't want to loose him. In a friend way sort of. No. I dont think about Karkat that. Hes a dude, and Im a dude and bro will- No bros not here any more. 

"STRIDER YOU SEEM LOST IN THOUGHT."

"Yeah well enough about me can you tell me whats going on?" If he says no i swear to god im going to strangle him. Im joking. Kind of. 

"YEAH I GUESS I CAN." Wait what really? I mean thats good.

[Karkat] spill out your trauma to Dave==>


	4. [Karkat] spill out your trauma to Dave==>

[Karkat] spill out your trauma to Dave==>

"IT STARTED WHEN I WAS WITH GAMZEE-"

"you were with Gamzee?"

"OHMYGOG CAN YOU LET ME BE OPEN ABOUT THIS TRAUMATIZING RELATIONSHIP?!"

"okay I just didn't know you were gay or even swung that way at all."

"CAN YOUR INFERIOR HUMAN ASS SHUT UP." He squeezed me harder. "DAVE DON'T SUFFOCATE ME." When he didn't reply I continued. "HE STARTED TO CUT ME OFF FOR DAYS AND SAID IT WAS BECAUSE I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT HIM WHEN I DID. HE WOULD SAY SHIT LIKE I ATTEMPTED SUICIDE CAUSE I FEEL YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ME JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. HE WAS ALSO TALKING TO KANAYA BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME. HE WOULD BLAME ME FOR THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US SO WE WENT ON BREAK AND I BLAMED IT COMPLETELY ON MYSELF." I could feel my face heating up. 

"Karkat. It's not your fault he's a prick don't blame yourself."

"THATS PRETTY FUCKING HARD TO DO."

"I know Im sorry"

"ITS FINE." I started to tell him everything. About how even though I have Kanaya and Sollux I still feel like there's just a floating void inside that will never be filled. I tell him about how I miss Gamzee because even if Gamzee filling that empty void only made it grow sometimes he could fill it. I tell him about how I get mad at myself and how I punished my self with self harm. I tell him about how sollux found me in the bathroom and bandaged me up. After i finished telling that part, about how deep I must have cut, there was silence "ARE YOU DISAPPOINTED WITH ME."

"No im just in shock."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN."

"You hid it from our friends so well. Im just well I don't know how to put this without sounding like one of those people who say 'oh could you stop for me'" I laughed a little. I hadn't laughed for real in long. "Hey I just want you you know that I care about you. I love you in a dude kind of way." I felt the void inside me fill up even just a little from those words. I felt a little less alone with him near. How did he make you feel like this. This felt real.

"WHY?"

"hm? Why what?"

"WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH? ITS NOT FAIR?" It hurt to say. It finally felt like somebody cared. All my lusus wanted to do about it was give me drugs and blame it on my bad habits. 

"because I do" He grabbed me tight and kissed my forehead. I blushed the tiniest bit. I growled in frustration. I pushed him away playfully. We got up and i rubbed my eyes and stretched. "Im gonna head home cause I just ran over with out telling Dirk or Jake so they're probably worried."

"OMG GET OUT OF HERE STRIDER." I rolled my eyes.

[Dave]Rush home cause you completely forgot to tell Dirk you were here==>


	5. [Dave]Rush home cause you completely forgot to tell Dirk you were here==>

[Dave]Rush home cause you completely forgot to tell Dirk you were here==>

I ran out side tomy car, waved to Sollux, and drove out of the driveway. I played my music and drove home as fast as the speed limit would let me. I got home and ran up the long everlasting stairs leading to the tower of doom that Ive gotten beat up in multiple times. Oh well it be like that sometimes. Its around 7pm when i get home. Dirk isn't home. He probably went to go get take out. I try to sneak in by quietly opening the door.

"Where were you young man?" I hear the english accent of Jake say.

"Karkat's house." He looked at me with a oh-really-is-that-so look. "What?"

"Dont give me an attitude." he acts like my dad. Not _my_ dad, but like a father figure its fucking annoying. 

"Stop acting like my dad."

"Dave Im just worried about you." 

"You dont even know me." I could tell our conversation was going to turn into a heated argument. "Dude listen I don't want nor need a father figure."

"Dave I-" I walked away and went into my room. Im definitely gonna hear it from dirk for "disrespecting his precious prince". God dammit. They're so in love. I should be happy for Dirk. He really deserves happiness. I started to drift asleep. Today was a lot for me. My eyes slowly shut and i drifted off to a place of dreaming and peace.

[Karkat] time skip to the next day==>


	7. Chapter 7

Ive been stuggleing with emotional amnesia and figguring out if i have osdd 1b or just delutions so um DISCONTINUED ASF


End file.
